Member-only story
You’re Too Nice
Are you, though?
In the years I’ve been teaching self defense, one of the things I’ve learned about people who sign up for self defense lessons is that they aren’t just interested in learning physical self defense techniques; often, they’re real motivation is about learning boundaries.
Learning, setting and defending boundaries is something we’re supposed to learn in childhood, usually by our parents and reinforced at school. We learn boundaries organically through play and exploration, and we learn them formally as the moral codes of our families, our peers and teachers, our churches, our communities, our cultures, and even our governments are transmitted to us throughout our lives.
Victim-blaming is so deeply embedded in our societal structures that usually, by the time a girl has grown into a young woman, if she’s had more than one experience of street harassment, workplace harassment, micro-aggressions, or emotional or physical violence, she has already convinced herself that, because she’s experienced these things more than once, the problem must be with her. The problem is that she doesn’t know what her boundaries are.
The problem is that she’s too nice.
Of course, people with low self esteem, anxieties, insecurities, or are exiting abusive situations, do have difficulty…
