Diane

Suicide, addiction and abuse.

Photo by Ivan Torres on Unsplash

Recently my feet swelled up beyond anything normal from the heat we’ve been having here in Berlin. I was concerned, so made a doctor’s appointment, but of course I had to consult Dr Google as well. One of the causes of sudden feet swelling is a blood clot in the leg, which scared me of course, because that can kill you. So the night I found that out, I was brushing my teeth before bed, looking at myself in the mirror and thinking, am I gonna see you tomorrow?

Then I realized how much I look forward to seeing myself every day. I don’t mean in a vain way, but rather that I’ve been taking it for granted that I always would, and now here was (a totally imaginary) possibility that I wouldn’t.

But that got me thinking about people who kill themselves. We think so often that it’s about depression or mental instability and all these things, and it is. But I think at the very base of it is someone looking the mirror and hating who they see. Someone looking the mirror and thinking, I never want to see this person again.

Years ago my cousin Diane killed herself. As a child, she suffered severe abuse at the hands of her father and others, so much so that it caused grand mal epilepsy, which, as an adult, she suppressed via a heroin addiction. When she tried to get sober, the only person who would take her in was my uncle, e.g., her dad…